Slave to the Rhythm

This has been bugging me for a while, but I was holding back as I thought it was too shallow and unimportant, even for me. But it’s now gotten to such an annoyance degree I actually screamed my grievance out loud in a class yesterday. My gripe? People who are off beat in classes. I don’t understand it, and it bugs the absolute shit out of me.

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There are more people than I ever thought possible that are unable to keep to the beat. And the more this criminal act has started to boost my anxiety levels the more I seem to see them in the classes I frequent. Body Pump, Spin, Aerobics… they are there messing up the structure and putting me off my fitness flow. The rage that swells inside of me makes me want to strangle them with my headband (if I wore one, that is). This sound ridiculous, I know, but there has to be a synergy within the group when undertaking a class. My favourite instructors are the ones who are militant about which foot goes where and on what beat – if the rhythm becomes disjointed it impacts on the overall output of the session. Purely psychological, of course.

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The worst culprits are in Spin. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s the same people over and over, and they irritate me to such a degree that I have to park up as far away from them as possible. But regardless of this, I can’t help but fixate on them in the studio mirror. I’m becoming obsessed/fascinated by how on earth it is possible to be so fantastically out of time with everyone else in the room. Are they unable to see themselves in the mirror? Is it a genetic fault? And most importantly, does this mean they are crap in bed? These are the things that make me screech with horror mid-session. The moves are not that complicated. We go this way, that way – up, down. Stand, sit. How hard can it be? How unbelievably dim are you?

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Even the most normal-looking people have this off-beat malfunction, which never ceases to amaze and confuse me in equal doses. Every Saturday in Aerobics there is one woman – fit, sturdy, well put-together – who takes a spot down the front next to me. She appears entirely normal until the music starts and we get into the groove and she is flailing all over the shop like a retarded baby elephant having an epileptic fit. In what world, precisely, can a regular human get jumping jacks so wrong? On what planet can a person not see which leg lifts one way, and which arms lifts the other? But it’s the ecstatic look on her face which makes me want to ram a barbell down her throat.

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So it was this woman that made me screech out loud in the class yesterday. ‘What the fuck are you doing?!’ boomed across the studio floor. I couldn’t help it, the pain just got too much. Fortunately the music was too loud for her to hear my screams of horror and she carried on going the wrong way, twice as fast as everybody else, and didn’t seem to care one way or the other.

But, on the way home I realised that this irritation is all part of my (slight) OCD and constant need for control in all areas of my life, including, it seems, what is occurring in my gym world. I need to get some perspective and focus on my training and how I conduct myself in studio sessions, and not let anyone else bother me.

Right, I’m off to the gym. Now where did I put that headband…

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